Earlier this week, the Hyper office received a passionate email regarding my apparent demise. According to Matthew, the author of said transcript, Sir Gameboffin (that’s me) is dead. Luckily, this was meant metaphorically and not literally, as I was getting rather worried.
Here’ is Matthew’s correspondence in full:
I tried to get passed it, but I can't.
Sir Game Boffin now has a head (a real one).
Its not the same seeing colour where tones of gray should be.
And he's whinging about how his picks were not included (in a very unBoffin manner).
Sir Game Boffin is dead.
I only have Yellow Boots left.
I’ve tried to keep my response focused on Matt’s main issues here:
- Matt’s first problem seems to be that he is sorry. Perhaps he forgot to complete his chores that day, or the guilt of concealing his long-suppressed love for Keyboard Cat has finally eaten through the protective shell of his fragile psyche.
- We’ll skip a line and go straight to the real problem. It seems that I now have a head, and a real one at that, except the issue is deeper than that. I think Matt has finally realised that Sir Gameboffin and I are in fact one and the same, and that the Hydra-like monstrosity that he imagines before him is comprised of both my ye olde persona and my real life mug-shot. I am at a loss as to how he can move past this, but perhaps a solid session with any God of War title will suffice.
- Let’s examine the next line of this almost poetic prose. “It’s not the same seeing colour where tones of gray (sic) should be” – this screams of an individual seeing the world in monochrome, through a lens of deep sorrow. Either that or Matt is talking about how sometimes there are colour pictures in my column where once there were only black and white ones…
- The next line is simply fallacious, as how can Matt say anything is un-Boffin like when everything that Boffin does is, by definition, Boffin-like. (I was just trying to sound smart there, did it work?)
- “Sir Gameboffin is Dead”, yeah we established that this isn’t the case, thanks to a long and rigorous body check which I won’t describe in detail. However, it’s obvious that Sir Gameboffin is dead to Matthew, which is sad. Everyone say “Awwww.”
- Again, Matt feels sorry and then states that he has yellow boots. One can only assume that he has worked himself up into such a state that he has emptied his bladder upon his footwear. An alternative interpretation points to another column that appears in Hyper’s sister publication PCPowerPlay. Either way, we really hope that Matt didn’t pee on his boots.
Matt, I sincerely hope that you can see beyond my monstrous head and colour pictures and learn to enjoy Hyper once more. I hope that my response has helped to bridge the yawning chasm that has been created between us.
Sir Gameboffin the Not Dead