Conservative Christian investment firm (yes, seriously) The Timothy Plan, has broadcast its Crimbo guide to video games for parents looking to be responsible in their gift giving.
Just to save you the trouble of working out which games are the work of Satan and which are suitable for the God-gawking-geek in your life, here are the best bits, mashed up into a handy guide.
Grand Theft Auto 4 The beginning scene of the game shows a man and woman in full bondage gear, with the woman slapping the man with a whip, while they both scream in a mix of pained/pleasured tones. You can also pay two strippers to dance with each other and they will simulate a few sexual positions while dancing.
The main character can solicit dates from males on his online dating website, but will be turned down because he lists himself as a straight male. Most every character (aside from you) is seen doing lines of coke, smoking weed, heroin, crystal meth, and drinking frequently throughout the entire story.
You can go drinking with friends. You just park outside of the bar, then the screen fades to black and you show up outside again – drunk.
Gears of War 2 This is a bloody and violent shooter game. Players use a standard array of weapons from assault rifles to shotguns and grenades. Bodies are blown to bits causing flesh to fly across the screen. With head shots you will sometimes see heads blown apart. Melee kills are particularly brutal.
Metal Gear Solid 4 Smoking is glamorized by presenting it as a fundamental part of Solid Snake's character. As the game installs on the console's hard drive, players watch Snake take out a cigarette, light it, and slowly smoke it down to its filter over the course of several minutes. He also smokes a cigarette throughout the first chapter of the game.
Fable 2 Players can engage the main character in adultery, group sex, bigamy, and polygamy with members of the same and opposite sex. In addition, divorce can be initiated by either the spouse or the player. Unprotected sex with a same-sex partner will also lead to pregnancies. Players can have a gay/lesbian marriage and have gay/lesbian sex.
Fallout 3 Blood splatters and spurts in ridiculous and unending amounts when you or an enemy is hit or shot. Blood also splatters and lingers on walls, floors and it visibly gathers on the screen which represents the blood in your character's face and eyes. There are many bloodied and mutilated humans (such as headless bodies hanging by hooks from bridges/building, etc.), monster bodies and scorched human skeletons (in ruined houses still lying in bed, the bathtub, etc.) scattered throughout.
In a bid to discourage the playing of such filth, The Timothy Plan also gives some incredibly useful, if inadvertent, gameplay hints.
For Fallout 3, TTP suggests that "You can take a blunt object (or gun) and beat or shoot people until you cripple their heads (making them far less accurate with aim), arms (causing them to drop their weapon), legs (making them either try to hop to safety or crumple helplessly on the floor, which is good for stopping fleeing enemies in their tracks)". Thanks for that.
Frankly, this sounds to us here like a list of the absolute corking games to make sure you get your hands on this Christmas.
Perhaps Satan really does get all the best tunes.